My five fabulous Nigerians

We all have people who simply delight or inspire us, don’t we? These are usually people who give you some ‘x’ feeling, whether that means you want to be with them, be like them or just hear, smell, touch and watch them as they live out their lives. I’ve my own such Nigerians, five of whom I glorify here today. These are the five Nigerians by whose spirit (in the past few years at least) I feel constantly enchanted and challenged on account of their individual gutsiness, energy, unbridled passion, sincerity and tenacious dedication to how they do their ‘thing’.

Kaffy (Kafayat Shafau)

Four words - passionate, creative, talented and energetic – perhaps describe this young woman. A few years ago you were considered wayward and, for a female, an ‘ashewo’ to be a dancer in musical videos in Nigeria. Enter the likes of Kafayat Shafau, and parents themselves are today queuing up to enroll their children for dance lessons across the country.

With a dance/mentoring academy – Imagneto Dance Academy –, A-list appearances in musical videos and a Guinness World Records entry (in 2006, she danced for 55 hours and 40 minutes non-stop) to her name, Kaffy has helped elevate the art of dance in the country. Not only that, she has also undisputedly helped to build the foundation for what is becoming a professional dance industry in Nigeria, and in the process, becoming arguably the foremost dancer/music video choreographer in the country. The most admirable part of it is that Kaffy never attended a formal dance school. Rather, through an unquenchable desire to be better always, sheer ‘opportunism,’ passion and energy, she has revolutionalised dance in Nigeria. She is certainly a pointer for many young people in our society.

Pee Jay

PJ is my eight-year-old cousin, Alexander. PJ is the name that has stuck with him ever since when, as a toddler he would insist on picking his clothes to wear by himself only to end up combining attires in which he looked so funny that we would jokingly liken him to Pa James of the Papa Ajasco comedy drama series. The name stuck on further on account of his unpardonable and almost incurable spoonerism and malapropism, a la Papa Ajasco’s Pa James.

This little terror is loudmouthed, stubborn as a he-goat, inquisitive as a philosopher and daring as Don Quixote. PJ may not be top of the class in school, but a constant B and B+ student is not a bad one either. And with his keen interest in and fair share of knowledge of subjects like current affairs, sports, (especially football), books and entertainment, he gives me more reason to always strive to expand my base of knowledge, for you never know in which subject you may have to explain an issue to him next. Ultimately, it is his intuition, self-confidence and remarkable tenacity, as well as his don’t-you-just-try-to-mess-with-my-sanity attitude that endears him to and ennobles many of us who know him.

Funmi Iyanda

Broadcaster/talk show host, media producer, MC, writer/columnist/blogger, all of award winning proportion - that is Olufunmilola Aduke Iyanda. She is also a philanthropist and an advocate for women/children, although FI, as we her fans love to call her, would tell you that she is no philanthropist but just a woman living her life the way she knows how to. The female broadcaster/writer axis of Ruth Benemesia Opia, Bimbo Oloyede, Chris Anyanwu and Bunmi Sofola is some company to belong in. But even in such exalted company FI still stands out for her versatility in being able to handle issues in sports, arts/entertainment, politics, economy, name it, with almost equal ease. That fashion as a field is not included in the above list is in itself testament to her wacky and radical ‘my own style’ attitude to fashion. And guess what – so far, we are still only dealing with an extremely abridged version of FI.

I first caught the FI flu after a young FI left UI as a geography graduate, traveling Nigeria and the world and regaling us with interesting tales on a range of issues, both on TV and in the defunct Tempo newspaper. By the time she started serenading 30 million Nigerians with New Dawn - a show that became a movement while FI grew into a brand, teetering towards a religion of sort, for many adoring fans - I was already a bonafide Funmi Iyanda groupie. From opinionated loudmouth, bra-burning feminist, unconventional TV anchor, mentor, free-spirited reckless dresser, to philanthropist – Brand FI is today, different things to different people. And that very fact speaks for her multi-faceted personality - a veritable amoeba that defies specific definition and description.

Babatunde Fashola

By all accounts, Lagos is still a dirty city, but someone is clearly making an effort to make it cleaner. Fewer road users are cursing as they drive along Lagos roads today not because the roads are necessarily smoother to drive on. If anything, many of them are now more hellish to navigate. But because Lagosians acknowledge that someone somewhere is genuinely making an effort to improve the roads, many seem ready to show a little more patience and understanding. In recent times, I have come across many Lagosians who, after years of tax evasion, are now enthusiastic about paying taxes because they are convinced that someone is sincerely putting their money into good public use. And one man - Babatunde Raji Fashola - is arguably responsible for the fresh air sweeping across the state.

Pre-2007 elections in Lagos, there were whispers of how Fashola was not going to make a good governor because he was “an administrator and a bureaucrat.” Back then, I wondered what all that meant. And although a lot of that cynicism still prevails (and with good reason, some might say), but if his antecedents in office so far are what those comments meant by “administrator,” then I think I love bureaucracy. With Fashola’s antecedents so far, one could boldly say that for once in this generation (at least) in this country, a state government is working for its people and you needn’t read newspaper and magazine supplements or watch television documentaries to know of it or the extent. More heartening for me is the all-action almost single-minded manner he goes about his business of bettering the lot of Lagosians. And that is a template for governors and governance in Nigeria to follow.

Xee

Xee (just Xee because she would eat me if I let out her real name here) is a friend of mine whom I first met over two years ago. She had requested to take a look at a novel I was holding, and the sheer energy and wisdom that sipped through from her every word and gesture during our brief conversation thereafter, got me riveted. Quickly and steadily, the acquaintance we built from then became friendship.

Xee is gutsy, feisty and uninhibited, all with the energy of a teenager. But beyond that teenage energy is a smart woman who is untainted by the vacuity, vanity and sense of frippery associated with many a teenage girl. She is one of the most driven and focused teenagers you would ever come across, for this is one young woman who knows what she wants and does what she must to get it. Cold Cow, as I jokingly call her (apparently many other people also call her ‘cold’) because of her penchant for and ability to shut out all things she considers unimportant towards achieving any goal she sets out to achieve, Xee is this strong-willed package of only about 5ft. And in that package is a woman of ‘ancient’ wisdom, one who is very much at home with herself.

Isn't this why he's the Prof?

Hate him or like him, he is one of the most respected men in his trade. His views about the profession hold a lot of weight with practitioners and outsiders alike.

Just read this or this one, paying attention to the words instead of the background of the speaker, and you may begin to see why that is so. People in his kind of job aren’t supposed to be that universally insightful, cerebral and philosophical, are they? But he is.

That true confession

At what point do we truly confess our iniquities to God? In other words, when can one sincerely come out and say ‘I have confessed my sins, big or small, to my maker?’ Some people are of the opinion that one is in true confession more during the Friday Muslim worship or on Sundays during church service, or even during similar religious festivals like the vigil worship, Sallah, Chrismas and Easter. But what obtains in those or similar occasions or other religious festivals could be automated prayers compared to what you are squeezed into doing when you are in immediate distress like being ill and suffering relentless pain or when nature calls.

Yes, when nature calls, categorically put, when you must sh*t. That is the time you may be in what I accept as true confession to whoever you believe in and supplicate to. Unrepentant sinner me was in such a situation yesterday. But yesterday’s was nothing compared to what I once experienced on a journey from Lagos to Ebonyi during my time in Ebonyi as a youth corps member. My journey to the confessional on that occasion a year ago started like play like play o; I had spent Easter with my family and was scheduled to return to Ebonyi a day after Easter. As I did not eat the Easter pepper soup with the rest of the family on Easter Sunday, I decided to eat my share on Easter Monday night, the eve of my departure. Toyin, the house help sensed what I was about to get myself into and cautioned me, but like the proverbial fly destined to end up in the grave with the corpse, I refused to listen. “No be today I don dey eat pepper soup and im never do me anything before” I told her. So, I proceeded to devour a bowl+ of hotly spiced hot water and goat meat, topping it with a bottle of chilled malt drink before retiring to bed.

We were barely out of Lagos the next morning when my ordeal began, starting with a rumble down there. At first, I just thought, ‘C'mon, this is nothing Good Ole Fart can’t take care of.’ So, I went f-a-r-t. But it didn’t solve anything. Very quickly, it started fizzing, sizzling, churning, burping and sputtering Downtown, all in one seemingly choreographed movement. Next, all the sweat pores and glands in my system went into hyperactive mode as sweat broke out and dried up on my skin with equal rapidity. I kept shuffling my feet, adjusting to different sitting positions just to keep the blowhole from popping open. As I struggled with the enemy within, the woman sitting across the aisle from me asked me what time of day it was, and after a long look at my wristwatch I told her it was just 15 minutes before 9am. I didn’t need more than the look of incredulity on her face to confirm that I was now officially in a time warp, for time was actually 15 minutes past 10 am.

I decided to deflate the wanton energy coming from under to some other things, so, I tried reading from the book I was holding, - Vijaya Kumar’s World’s Greatest Speeches. But words from Gandhi, Mandela, Mother Theresa, Lincoln, Hitler, Clinton, and several others offered no sucour. As for Martin Luther King and his I have a dream, the only dream I could dare have at that time was one in which one day soon, a Nigerian man would enter the Guinness Book of World Records as the first recorded person to have died of inability to sh*t.

Long stories short, after a period in which I kept saying ‘bros’, ‘my guy’, ‘chairman’, and the like, to one of the bus stewards (molue conductor more like it), the driver reluctantly stopped somewhere along the road in Edo State. Pronto, I got off the bus, skidding down a slope by the side of the road to do the thing. Funnily, two or three other people who had obviously been going through similar predicament also shamelessly joined in the act, after which we got going again. Alas, my reprieve was only temporary, for the front wheels of the bus had barely crossed from Awka in Anambra State into Enugu when that now familiar sound came calling once again. This time I could even swear I heard Luciano Pavarotti leading the orchestra that was playing down there. And that was when the true confession really started all the way from Enugu to Abakaliki, Ebonyi.

First, I thanked God for His mercies for seeing me through the earlier episode and expressed confidence in His ability to do it for me again. Next, I thought of how, years ago, while being in charge of my uncle’s provisions store, a tin of garri, beans or rice, or their cash equivalent would fly into the blue, so I prayed to God to please forgive me for my part in it, for I knew not what I was doing back then. I equally remembered how, while standing in a queue at a corn mill years back, I kept tapping current from the bom-bom of the girl in front of me. I fervently prayed God to forgive me for that little period of misguided judgment. As that blasted potential entry in the Guinness Book of World Records flashed through my eyes once more, I confessed to God about being guilty of picking that piece of meat from the pot so many years ago, an offence for which one poor boy had been kept on his knees with a bucket of water on his head for about an hour. As the sound effect from under became more furious, I generalised all my sins, asking God to please forgive me for all of them, whether known to me or not. Then the urgency went up another wrench, and I employed all the languages I know and started a mantra of, ‘abeg o, abeg o’. Thankfully, the road was very coarse and the bus from Enugu to Abakaliki was a locomotive, with thundering noise levels and I was sitting close to the window, so even though I muttered my mantra fairly audibly, none of the other passengers seemed to hear me do it.

He must have accepted the confessions of my poor soul, for miraculously, we made the journey from Enugu to Abakaliki about 15 minutes faster. Once in Abakaliki, I frantically begged the first okada man I met to lead me to where I could do my thing. Luckily, it was about 9.35 pm and the man happened to know of the site of a freshly demolished building-cum-temporary-dump-site. He took me there and with a, ‘thank you sir’ I paid him the bike fare, plus a pretty hefty tip before hurrying, with two travelling bags in tow, to discharge that pesky waste. Once I was sufficiently relieved, I looked up into the starry sky and something told me that someone somewhere up there was laughing their heart out at the sight of sinner like me scrambling for cover from mere sh*t.

So, when yesterday it started churning and rumbling Down under again, you can imagine how relieved I must have felt to be able to release after only about 30 minutes in the traffic. And when one of my cousins sped into the house this morning and ignored my calls as he dashed through the passage, I felt slighted. But after I traced him 10 minutes later only to see him emerge from the toilet area, I instantly recognised the demons he had been running from or trying to appease, and as they say in Yoruba, oro just pesin je.

I’d rather be naked than...

If you live in cyberspace you probably have seen some pictures currently making the round on the internet, especially in Nigeria. The first time I saw the photographs I almost puked. I was repulsed so much that I wanted to let out a big ‘damn you all, you idiots.’

The pictures in question are those of a man and a woman, both members of staff of Zain Telecommunication in Uganda. The man’s name I learnt is Basillo Sadindi and the woman simply identified as Rossette. In the said pictures they are both seen naked inside what is said to be a hotel apartment. In some of the images the couple is actually seen making it out. Hell no, I can’t post any of the pictures here for you to see.

The pictures were reportedly taken while the couple was on vacation in Dubai. Somehow they misplaced the memory card containing the images and someone got hold of the card and leaked the nude photographs of the couple to the press and unto the internet. A slightly different version of the story says the pictures were discovered by an IT guy who unearthed them in one of the couple’s computers and demanded a ransom to cover it up. Instead, he was reportedly given a written warning after the owner reported him to the human resources department of the company. To get back at the couple, the IT guy exposed the pictures on the Internet.

Trust us Nigerians, the sanctimony and moralisation I have seen and heard thrown at the issue is what repeatedly makes me want to puke. When I saw the pictures for the first time, my reaction was, ‘how the hell does it concern anybody what someone else, especially two consenting adults get up to in the privacy of a room?’ That reaction has not changed one bit. Many of us get up to nastier things in the private comfort of wherever we find enough privacy. And I am not talking about sex and related matters alone here. For me, it’s an invasion of privacy for anyone to leak such obviously very private part of another man to the public.

The couple are said to be married, but to different people. And it was highly indiscreet and negligent of them to let such a private affair slip out to a third party. Besides, they both sure as the current global credit crunch have questions to answer before their respective spouses, but it still doesn’t change the other mechanics of the issue.

1. They didn’t do it in public

2. If, as I heard, it’s true that their employers forced both of them to resign, it is highly unprofessional of the employer. Why? They didn’t do it in the office or even while on official engagement. Hence, it is first and in all, a private thing for them. Moreover, whatever they did out there has not affected their productivity at work, has it?

3. That IT guy deserves to be sued.

4. Show me a virgin saint amongst us and I will eat my head.

Let’s all get a life, please.